Ain't No Sunshine {Stacey}

[david]

Monday 31st May, 2010

It had been just over a week since David had found out about having a low sperm count and despite being crazy in love with Stacey and trying to keep intimacy between them he knew that over the past day or two he had been pulling away from her a lot. He knew that a week wasn’t enough to tell if Stacey had gotten pregnant or not with the different position but it didn’t stop him from continuing to feel like a failure. Stacey could well be pregnant now for all he knew as they wouldn’t know until it came to knowing if Stacey had her period or not but all the negativity he had felt from the night he had spoken to Stacey saying that he might be the one to blame had come flooding back to him in the past day or two and it was clearly taking its toll on David.

On the Thursday he contacted Lynda at his office and told her to cancel all his appointments for the next week as he was taking some time off and that she could take the same time off and not to worry about money as he would pay her despite it not being an official holiday for her. Thankfully she hadn’t questioned his motives but did as she was told. Since Thursday David hadn’t even bothered to shave and hadn’t had much sleep for the past few nights either and now looked pretty rough with swollen and dark eyes and heavy stubble. It was very unlike David to get like this but the idea of not being able to have a child had gotten to him more than he could ever have imagined.

So far since he had gotten what can only be described as depressed over his low sperm count he and Stacey hadn’t really had a fight or argument over it. He had heard her say to him plenty of times that she didn’t blame him and he wasn’t a failure and if it took them longer to get pregnant then so be it. He knew that he should be thinking the same way as Stacey but he was finding it difficult to think like that. He knew he was pulling way and he also knew that if this had been a patient thinking like this he would soon have told them that they weren’t a failure but he couldn’t listen to his own advice at all.

Right now he was dressed in a pair of loose jogging pants and loose fleece hooded top and was out on the porch swing. It wasn’t just Stacey he had been pulling away from, he felt as if he had been pulling away from Ebony ever so slightly too, not because he was thinking that she wasn’t his, he never thought like that about Ebony, as far as he was concerned she was his, no he was pulling away from her because he felt that right now he wasn’t safe for her to be around. For the first time he could understand some of his patients when they spoke about feeling suicidal over their problems because right now that was pretty much how he felt himself. He had taken a book out to read but he couldn’t even concentrate on that and eventually as he continued to stare out ahead of him the book fell to the ground.

[Anastacia Potter]

Stacey tried to keep herself as happy as she could be, despite the circumstances. She tried to keep positive around David, but the last two days had been difficult to do so. It felt to her that he was always in another room, or to her it felt like he was avoiding her. Stacey had been afraid of losing him that night when he felt that he was the problem. She didn't like the idea of losing him, and if he was the one who was having a problem with them getting pregnant, she knew that there would be other altermatives. Though deep down, she hope that it was all in his head, and that it would happen soon enough.

Though when it was confirmed that David had a low sperm count, she knew that she would be there for him no matter what. They had tried the position that the doctor had suggested, and they had done that position a few times. She was not a sex addict by any means, but Stacey just wanted to get pregnant, and had tried to not let her get worked up over it, since it might stop her from getting pregnant. She had also noticed the definite change in David, who wasn't taking that great care of himself, and she wondered if she should talk to someone about it. But Stacey being Stacey, didn't want to go behind David's back, but it had crossed her mind a lot today.

Stacey went into the kitchen, after feeding Ebony, and thought about maybe getting some lunch for them both. She opened the fridge, and just stared into it for a few seconds. Her mind with just full of the current situation, and just couldn't think straight. Shutting the fridge, she went out to where David was, and came out just as his book fell to the ground. Stacey swallowed a little, then headed towards him. She bent down to pick up his book, and held it as she sat next to him on the swing. Stacey gently put her hand into one of his own, and the way he was just staring was kind of scaring Stacey, like he was in a trance or something.

"David, hun? Do you want something for lunch?" She blinked a couple of times, then looked out where David was looking. There wasn't anything unsual, just the same things, and Stacey looked back at him. "David, are you okay? Do you want something to drink instead of something to eat?" Stacey didn't know what else to say to him. It was like she was talking to a brick wall, and that was how it felt for the past two days, and she hated it.

[david]

David was lost in his thoughts or even not thoughts as such as his head was fairly empty of anything right now but he was staring blankly out ahead of him after his book had fallen that he almost didn’t hear or feel Stacey approach him until she took his hand in her own. This move did make him think of glancing at her briefly but was scared that if he did he would let down his walls and just sob his heart out so instead he continued to stare out ahead of him.

Stacey then spoke asking if he wanted something for lunch but that was something else he was neglecting, he hadn’t even really been eating or drinking properly over the past few days either. If he continued to carry on the way he was going he might end up in hospital on a drip to get his fluids built back up again. He just shook his head by way of an answer but he didn’t remove his hand from Stacey’s still enjoying the odd tender touches, it was almost as if there were two sides to David right now.

Stacey then began to talk again asking if he was okay and did he want something to drink instead of something to eat. He sighed a little; he didn’t want anything but he also didn’t want to argue with Stacey if he could help it, he didn’t have the energy for it to be fair. He knew he was going to have to say something to her however. “No, I don’t want anything to eat or drink, I don’t feel like it, I’m not hungry and I don’t feel thirsty.” He replied and then got up from the swing and began to walk around in the garden.

A part of him felt like this was the only way to get over the pain of not being able to father children but another part of knew that the way he was acting was making him come over like a bit of a bastard and Stacey had had enough of them in her life. He made his way back over to where he had left her, “Sorry, I’m just all over the place right now, I guess this is getting to me more than I realise and don’t even think about telling me that it’s okay and it will just take longer to get us pregnant because this is killing me inside, it’s not something I am going to get over easily.” David said but felt that his words had come out in a slightly angry tone but hadn’t meant them to.

He then just sighed deeply and threw himself back down onto the porch swing and sort of curled up toward the side once again pulling away from Stacey and a part of him knew that if he kept this up also then she might just walk out on him, but the tiniest part of him had a feeling that she wouldn’t do that to him.

[Anastacia Potter]

When Stacey had asked David if he wanted something for lunch, she saw him shake his head no in answer. She sighed, just wishing he would do what was good for him. He never hate when he should have over the past few days, and that was not going to do him any good if they were trying to have a child right now. Stacey had tried her hardest each day to get him to eat, but it was always the same, and sometimes she felt like just giving up, but in her heart she didn't want to do that. She loved him, and that was what was keeping her there.

She had soon asked him if he was okay, and did he want something to drink instead. Stacey had caught the sign, and knew that she was nagging him, but she knew that he had to keep his energy up for himself, for her, and for Ebony. She looked at David, and heard him speak, and she should have known what he was going to say, and she wondered if she should have wasted her breath. She felt like she just didn't have the words right then to what he said, and just shrugged. Stacey then watched him get up, and felt his hand leave her own.

Watching him walk away from her was starting to make her feel like he wasn't opening up to her at all. It was like he was really holding back on her, and she felt like it wasn't the same David she had met all those months ago. The same David who had helped her through her difficult time, and brought love back into her live. Just thinking like that made her look away from where David was, and brought one knee up, hugging it to herself. Sighing, Stacey wondered what was happening to him, to them as a couple now.

Stacey could see in the corner of her eye that David was coming back towards her, but she didn't look up. If he was going to ignore her, or just walk away from their problems then she would just do that. But she couldn't. Stacey looked up, and David spoke to her. She blinked a few times as she listened to what he said, then towards the end heard him sound angry, which really she had never heard before in his voice. It kind of took her for a bit of a shock, but then because of the way he had spoken to her, Stacey just felt angry, plus hurt inside.

Stacey then watched David throw himself into one corner of the swing, and could see that he wanted to be alone. She got up quickly and faced him, waving her hand a bit. "Whatever David." Stacey then pointed to herself, "I am going to get something to eat, so that I can be strong enough for Ebony. She needs me right now for what I need to give her." Stacey let out a loud sigh, then turned on her heels, and headed towards the kitchen. On the way there, Stacey felt so angry. Angry at how David was acting, and angry at herself for how she had spoken to him. But his anger had just rubbed off on her, and felt like he had take what he had just given her.

Stacey forcefully pulled the fridge open, and stared in it for a second, then slammed it shut. "Fuck!" Stacey yelled, running her hands through her hair. She turned to face the sink, hanging onto it, and her knuckled soon turned white with how hard she was gripping it. Chest heaving, Stacey stared into the sink, then just screamed out for a few seconds. With that though Ebony woke up, and Stacey just rolled her eyes, "Just great." Then at the top of her voice, she yelled. "Thanks David!" Stacey then ran towards Ebony's nursery.

As soon as she got to the doorway, Stacey just felt her emotions change, and now she felt sad. Ebony was crying loudly, and Stacey went quickly to her, and picked her up. She cradled her close to her chest, and Stacey sat in the chair, trying to quieten her. "Shh, Ebony. It's okay. I am so sorry. Mommy didn't meant to yell. Just daddy..." Stacey the broke down, as she rocked Ebony more. She hated being like this, especially with David, but he wasn't helping her or the situation right now. After a few minutes, Stacey had calmed down, and so had Ebony, who was now back to sleep. She put her back into her cot, then slowly made her way out to the kitchen, hearing her stomach grumbling.

Stacey decided to just make a quick sandwich with peanut butter on it, and soon had it made and was heading into the lounge room. Here she sat, and tried to eat it. She soon started to feel herself shake slightly, just feeling the nerves play on her now, after what happened just moments earlier.

[david]

When David had got up from the swing after telling Stacey that he wasn’t hungry or thirsty he walked around the garden for a moment before returning to where he had left her and apologising trying to tell her that this whole low sperm count was getting to him more than he realised however he had finished what he was saying with slight anger in his voice which even David hadn’t expected it to sound like. David had always been a soft and rational guy and he seldom raised his voice and definitely avoided conflict like the plague and yet he felt as if he had just lost it with Stacey there and it was hurting him inside as he never thought he could be like that especially with Stacey whom he loved with all his heart.

Ironically he had told the doctor that he was healthy and couldn’t think of anything he could be doing to contribute to the low sperm count but right now with his depressive state and not eating or drinking properly or looking after himself he was probably doing more damage now and causing more problems than before he found out about the issue with the low sperm count and now he definitely wouldn’t be helping the issue. He had then thrown himself into the swing but away from Stacey pulling away from her once more. Stacey soon replied to him and simply said ‘whatever David’. He really did feel bad because he was so in love with Stacey and a part of the soft and kind David was still there and hated the way he was acting and hating how it was affecting Stacey but the depressive side which was more prominent right now couldn’t seem to care or snap out of it.

Stacey then spoke some more and David could hear that she was quite angry with him now but he really couldn’t blame her after the way he had just spoken to her moments before. He didn’t bother to move or go after her when she left to go inside. David shifted his position on the porch swing after Stacey had left and he knew that he was going to have to start being the man that Stacey loved despite what the low sperm count was doing to him. Every now and then the David that Stacey knew and loved would resurface but never for too long before the depressive one would start to emerge all over again. However David almost jumped when he heard Stacey scream out and a part of him had a feeling that it was just out of frustration over him but the David that loved and cared deeply for Stacey also wondered if she had done something to hurt herself.

David got up out of the swing and made his way into the kitchen getting ready to ask if she was alright but she wasn’t there. He did hear Ebony crying and he knew that she must have gone to attend to her. He didn’t want to go up there because while he was in this state he just didn’t trust himself with Ebony as much as he loved her. He soon heard the cries of Ebony subside and so he made his way back out to the porch swing again. But then he began to worry again and made his way back into the lounge room to see that Stacey was sitting down trying to eat but she was shaking that much was clear to see. “I heard the scream before just wanted to make sure that you hadn’t hurt yourself but I can see that you haven’t.” He was going to leave again but then as he saw the sandwich he knew he probably should try and eat something.

“If it makes you happy I’ll have something to eat.” He said but not really expecting Stacey to make it, and so he made his way into the kitchen and took out the cheese and ham and soon had a sandwich made with that and poured himself a coffee from the coffee machine and didn’t know whether he should go back through to the lounge room or not. Really he should have been having something to eat for himself not just to make Stacey happy and he had a feeling that what he had said may have been the wrong thing. So he sat down at the breakfast bar in the kitchen and decided to eat his sandwich and drink his coffee there instead. There was a definite distance between him and Stacey and he knew that he was solely to blame.

He finished his sandwich and then lifted the coffee and decided to make his way back into the lounge room and the soon as he stepped in he knew that if he didn’t try to amend some bridges despite how he was currently feeling that he might lose Stacey and he didn’t want that. “I’m sorry Stacey; I think it might be better if I gave you some space until I get my head around this. I’m thinking in booking into a hotel and going to see a therapist, I think it’s about time I listened to someone’s advice.” He knew that Stacey wouldn’t be happy about being left on her own but until he felt like he could be his usual self and be around Stacey without causing distress to her or Ebony that this was the best decision he could think of to make.

[Anastacia Potter]

Stacey felt like she was going to be sick if she ate anymore, despite only eating a couple of tiny bites of her sandwich. She closed her eyes, willing for the shaking to cease, but no. Stacey let out some silent breaths, and felt that it was helping somewhat, but not enough to calm her down any. She noticed a figure in the room, and she almost dropped the plate, taken by surprise with David standing there. Her hand went up to her chest, as her heart raced for a few second, and hearing what David said, Stacey shook her head. "No I didn't," Stacey said in a small voice." She blinked, then looked back at her barely eaten sandwich.

David then spoke, and what he said made her swallow. She hadn't demanded, or she hoped she hadn't, earlier at him to eat. But if he was to be looking after himself, like he had been neglecting to, then he had to eat something at least. Stacey opened her mouth, but David had already left the room. Closing her mouth, Stacey went back to sandwich, but all she ended up doing was picking at it with her fingers. She shook her head, and placed the plate loudly on the table. Letting out a breath, Stacey flopped back on the lounge, letting her head just rest on the back. Running her fingers through her hair, she left her hands on her head, trying to figure out what to do next.

Stacey glanced in the direction of the kitchen, wondering where David was, cause surely it didn't take that long to make a sandwich, or whatever he was deciding to have. She then looked forward, and just stared out into the room. She felt like she was losing her patience, which had been very much intact once she had started seeing David, even before they started dating. He had helped her regain back the person she was before all the mess, and she was grateful. But now, now she didn't know how she was feeling towards David. She loved him more than anything, but right now, that was in question.

Stacey closed her eyes, but then heard footsteps head into the lounge. She didn't dare open her eyes, and that feeling was kind of scary to her. Stacey wanted to see David, but right now, she just wanted to ignore him for some reason. She sighed a little, as she heard David speak, and her eyes opened, and she sat up a bit, looking at him now. Stacey frowned at what he was saying. She couldn't understand how he could do what he said to her. How could he just up and leave her. Then the idea of him seeing a therapist, when he was one himself, it just baffled her.

Stacey looked away, still very much frowning, then shook her head. "David..." She then flew up off the lounge, and turned to face him, and then pointed a finger at him. "Who gives you the right to make that decision?" Her finger and hand went down, "No! You know what?" Stacey then pointed a finger at her chest, "I think maybe I should leave for a while. Not sure for how long, but I think I need a break." Stacey went over to her bag beside the wall, and threw it over her shoulder. She turned to David, feeling hurt, angry, and very upset, "I can't take this at the moment! Your behaviour, it just irratating me right now. I don't know what is going through your head right now, but I agree with you seeing someone." Feeling the anger in her body rise up to her voice, she finished up, "Definately need to see someone before you lose me!" With that Stacey swung open the door, and slammed it shut behind her.

She made her way to her car, and hopped in, and slammed the door shut. Stacey flung her bag onto the passenger seat, and started the engine. She pulled out of the driveway, and headed down the street. Stacey got around the corner, then quickly stopped on the side of the road. Killing the engine, she flopped her head back on the seat, and began to ball her eyes out. Stacey covered her face with her hands, and just continued to cry, not sure where she was to go from here.

She knew that she couldn't go and see Dom, as he was still recovering, despite knowing that he was the only one she could fully talk to about it all. They told each other everything, and right now he needed to know. The only other person she could possibly talk to right now would be Ryan, and she quickly dialled his number.

[david]

After David had made his way into the lounge for the second time he could see that Stacey seemed to be alright after being worried before when he had heard her scream. Stacey replied to what he had said in a voice that he hadn’t heard her use with him since they had become a couple. He couldn’t really blame her as he was hardly being himself right now either. As he watched her, a part of him just wanted to wrap his arms around her and tell her he was sorry and that he would start to pull himself together but he just couldn’t and besides he had a feeling that she probably wouldn’t welcome it right now anyway.

David had then said to Stacey that if it made her happy he’d have something to eat but really that hadn’t been fair as it wasn’t as if Stacey had been having a go at him over it, she had only been showing concern and he knew that what he was doing wouldn’t be helping their situation but the demon inside that was depression kept coming to the surface. Stacey didn’t answer but then he hadn’t given her much of a chance to before going in to make something to eat. He hadn’t come out right away instead eating his sandwich and drinking some of his coffee in the kitchen at the breakfast bar before deciding to head back into the lounge room again.

When David was back in the lounge room he told Stacey that he was thinking in booking into a hotel to give her some space and to then go and speak to someone about his problems. He knew that it was ironic that a therapist should have to go and speak to another therapist but he wasn’t listening to his own advice, so maybe someone else could get through to him instead. He had a feeling that Stacey wouldn’t like what he had suggested but he felt he would be doing it for the best for both of them. Stacey’s reaction however even blew him away as she got angry with him and pretty much an anger that he hadn’t been faced with before.

Her words were flying out like an express train and if he could have gotten a word in he wouldn’t have known what to say or where to start anyway. The only reaction he could do was to open his eyes pretty wide and then feeling deep remorse knowing that he was the cause for her outburst and anger. When she added that he should see someone before he loses her he put his hands up to his head and tried to speak, “I... Stacey, I never wanted you... to leave... I’m sorry.” But he knew his words now weren’t going to have any effect on her as she had already gotten her bag and the door was slammed behind her as she left. He hadn’t even realised that she hadn’t taken Ebony with her until he heard her begin to cry and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to deal with her.

He phoned his mom then who had no idea how badly David was reacting to the news of him having a low sperm count. “Hi mom, do you think you could come over, I need you right now.” He waited for his mom to answer as he wasn’t sure if she would be busy with childminding duties or not that day. “I’m free so I’ll be right over as the twins are still at school and I can send them a text and tell them to come home here today instead.” David sighed, “Thanks.” He then hung up the phone and then just crumbled down onto the floor next to the wall.

It didn’t take too long for the door to open as Cassie had her own key to his house so that she could let herself in anytime he was away and anything needed to be done. She walked in and when she saw David on the floor she frowned slightly and then she heard Ebony screaming loudly and of course David ignoring her. “David, what the hell is wrong with you? Aren’t you going to attend to your daughter? You have to pull yourself together, it’s no surprise that Stacey has walked out and left you if that is in fact what she’s done. It’s not the end of the world you know, so what if it takes you a bit longer to have a baby, you can always adopt more, didn’t you say yourself that adopting is rewarding?” Cassie said having a right go at David.

David didn’t have a chance to answer as Cassie then went to the nursery and soon Ebony’s cries had subsided and Cassie was soon in the lounge room holding Ebony in her arms. “You better get yourself sorted David and soon, you have a daughter to care for and a fiancée who is probably devastated over the way you are behaving.” David just nodded his head slowly and knew that his mom was right. He picked himself up off the floor and sat down on the chair opposite where his mom had sat down. “I know, if I don’t stop this I’m going to lose her, but I just couldn’t stop feeling so depressed over it all.” David said and Cassie just gave him a sympathetic smile but shook her head, “I do understand darling but you have to start thinking of Stacey and Ebony, all of this isn’t going to be doing you any favours at all. You need to snap out of it and soon.” Cassie said and David knew that she was right.

He got up then and made his way to the bathroom and went for a quick shower knowing that Ebony was in good hands with his mom. He then shaved afterward and went into the bedroom and changed into a pair of denims and a casual top feeling a bit more like his old self but knew that there would be a lot of ground to make up with Stacey. He soon made his way back into the lounge and sat down beside his mom and sighed deeply. “I feel like such an idiot, I should never have let it get to me so much. God only knows where Stacey went but I feel she needs the space so I’m not going to contact her.” He then reached across and took Ebony from his mom, the first contact he had had with her for a few days now and once she was there he knew that he had to get over this because he couldn’t lose his family, he loved them too much. He then kissed Ebony on the forehead and seconds later she was asleep again in his arms.